Is the Use of Porn a Sign of a Troubled Marriage?

by | Hypnosis, Womens Relationship Expert

Is the Use of Porn a Sign of a Troubled Marriage?

I could understand how a wife might consider any viewing of porn by her husband disruptive to their marriage, as well as distasteful, disrespectful and in general demeaning to women. And I’m not for one moment making light of this topic; however, this topic – as it pertains to the integrity of a marriage – runs so much deeper than the apparent offense.

It’s hardly ever “just about the porn.” Hardly ever. It’s typically about a whole host of beliefs, behaviors and circumstances that are throwing the marriage off balance and stirring up feelings of abandonment, deceit, disrespect, and inequality. And in this case, the porn itself is typically just a symptom – a symptom of a more insidious problem that extends far beyond the bedroom into a list of grievances – grievances about the way your husband manages stress to his overall lack of investment in you and your marriage. The porn is the impetus, the red flag or provocation that opens the Pandora’s box of marital discord, which I will discuss this shortly.

But maybe it’s not.

Let me play devils’ advocate for a moment, completely circumnavigate any moral/religious/feminist argument, and risk making a few unpopular suggestions: Porn isn’t always used excessively; it is not always an addiction; it not always used a replacement for sex with one’s spouse, and it doesn’t always mean your husband is headed for an affair. It may just be a maladaptive way of managing stress or getting a quick (not always so discrete) dopamine rush. And if porn truly is your only grievance and you can honestly say with or without the porn – your marriage is solid – along with the trust, intimacy, communication – then it all boils down to a conversation. This is the conversation in which you disclose to your spouse/partner that this behavior makes you uncomfortable and why, along with a direct request for him to taper down or stop completely.

However, let this be a two-way conversation because he is – after all – your life partner – and it would behoove you both to express your needs, feelings, desires openly and productively in a way that makes you both feel valued and understood. There are indeed many more constructive ways of releasing stress, as well as more productive, gratifying, and healthy ways of getting one’s physical needs met.  And this is a prime opportunity for you to inspire your spouse/partner to redirect his energy elsewhere. Remember that shaming your partner for his behavior rarely creates a more favorable outcome.

Ok, so let’s say you’ve had THAT conversation and the behavior doesn’t stop. Let’s just suppose, it has now morphed into what could easily be considered an addiction. How do you even evaluate whether the behavior is an addiction? Well, it’s the point at which the behavior transitions from a leisurely, passive, spectator role into a more routine, ongoing, and interactive past-time; the point at which you intercept some “inappropriate exchanges” on your husband’s cell or computer (i.e.: provocative language or nude pictures). This is when we know for certain the behavior represents a more serious issue. Because THIS behavior now communicates lack of self-control, blatant disrespect for your marriage and if not already considered a form of infidelity, it arguably qualifies as an intent to cheat. And THIS behavior could certainly cause a wife/partner to wonder what else her husband/partner is hiding.

This is the tightrope walk the teeters dangerously close to infidelity, upsets the integrity of marriage and opens the floodgate of conflict. This is typically the time in which other related grievances are considered, such as a husband who openly flirts with someone else in your presence; peruses the internet and social media for attractive women; withholds affection and intimacy; maintains some sort of unnecessary communication with an ex-partner, etc.  Add in any knowledge of a partner’s prior affair – even if it happened before the two of you met and now other offenses of a non-sexual nature will be carefully scrutinized, such as financial dishonesty, belittling you in front of friends or family, failure to introduce you at social events, flooding his schedule with overtime, hobbies, and other activities that keep him away from home/family/spouse. At this time, the cumulative effect of all other offenses will be scornfully evaluated.

There are lots of reasons to be concerned about your husband using porn, especially when it becomes interactive: yes, the infidelity piece, plus a child’s exposure to this, using a work computer or phone for these exchanges, and the overarching concern of whether your spouse is hiding any other critical information from you. But porn in and of itself doesn’t set the stage for a failed or troubled marriage. It’s this plus a whole host of other behaviors, which may include ignoring your concerns/feelings or failure to make your relationship a priority. If you’ve asked your husband/partner to change, he promises he will and yet the behavior continues, then I think I’ve made my point clear. Your marital issues extend far beyond porn.

What do you do about your relationship at this point? You focus on creating a healthier relationship with yourself, which includes learning how and when to establish clear boundaries with others.

 

If you have concerns about your marriage or long-term relationship, schedule a free consultation here: Sensorium Hypnosis, LLC (timetap.com)

Can hypnosis heal a broken heart? Click here to learn more: Can Hypnosis Heal a Broken Heart? – Sensorium Hypnosis, LLC

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