- Your feelings are hurt by their infrequent emails, texts, or phone calls.
If you are less than a month into dating this person and you’re used to being love bombed, a slower more rationally paced relationship is going to feel ungrounding. The trauma-self may convince you you’re not that interesting or desirable which is not the ideal mental state for dating. You may create an entire story in your head about how this person is insensitive or ingenuine. This may be true – but in some cases, perhaps not enough time has elapsed, or not enough data has been gathered to make an educated decision about the future of this relationship.
Either way, let’s not make it all about this other person. Heed the wisdom of your emotions because THIS may be the perfect wake-up call. Maybe you need more layers of experiences in your life – hobbies, friendships, positive distractions, or a higher level of self-investment. Consider these enhancements a way to ensure your life maintains balance and no one person or circumstance holds that kind of power over you.
- When things aren’t going exactly as you think they should, you start self-medicating by impulsively focusing on dating apps or connecting with former lovers.
I see this pattern all the time, people reengaging with toxic ex-partners as a form of distraction even though the higher self knows this is a recipe for disaster. They trade the needs of the ego to remove the stinger of rejection rather than find peace in a small hiatus from dating.
Conversely, you may be inadvertently pining for someone else to love-bomb you or shower you with attention, but in most cases, wouldn’t that attract the very same kind of person with whom you are trying to repel? Going back to what’s familiar or what feeds the impulsive needs to the ego doesn’t typically represent the healthiest or emotionally peaceful outcomes.
- Any perceived rejection in a new dating situation triggers depression, feelings of unworthiness and victimhood or fight or flight response patterns.
Anytime an emotional response is heightened, elongated, and out of proportion to the actual circumstance, it is a strong indication that unhealed trauma is being triggered. This is likely a longstanding pattern deeply rooted in childhood experiences.
If there’s one piece of wisdom I could offer anyone reentering the dating world, especially following a traumatic breakup, it’s time to work on yourself. The relationship you have with yourself dictates the kind of energies you will attract from the outer world. A positive inner dialogue, strong self-concept, and greater emotional resiliency are amongst the most valuable assets you can bring into the dating arena and into your life to yield the most desirable outcomes.
- As early as the first or second date, the physical chemistry is so overwhelming that you are tempted to fast forward through all the dating rituals.
Advancing a relationship too soon is risky, unwise, and perhaps even unsafe emotionally or physically. Remember, this person is still a stranger. You know nothing about them other than how they appear and what they choose to tell you. It takes many seasons to get to know someone on a deeper level and this process cannot be sped up without any consequences. Experiencing how a person handles stress, interacts with family, and friends, treats you in new situations, these are all critical pieces of getting to know someone and determining whether they are a good fit for you.
Six to twelve months into a new relationship is about the time you may start to notice patterns or personality traits that represent red flags or incompatibilities. This period may be longer if there is some geographic distance that prevents you from spending more time together. Even then, it takes several years to experience how a partner responds or manages a variety of life circumstances. This time is critical for making educated decisions regarding the future of a relationship.
- When dating becomes such a distraction that it pulls you off-task from work and other important commitments.
Dating should not feel like a full-time job and if it does, you may consider adjusting other areas of your life that feel unsatisfying or depleting. Engaging in therapy, deep contemplative practices or self-inventory practices may help uncover self-limiting beliefs, self-sabotaging or compulsive behaviors around dating, relationships, or life circumstances.
If you have a history of jumping into relationships quickly following a break-up, without giving yourself adequate recovery time, you may have unhealed trauma that needs to be addressed. Needing constant companionship can represent emotional avoidance and resistance toward looking inward.
This is a great time to reflect upon the kind of souls you attracted in past: those who love bombed, the “easy catch” or low flight risk. Were these relationships healthy, mutually satisfying, and worth pursuing? Likely not. Consider your own dating behavior patterns. Do you over-invest too early? Are you the primary initiator or the fixer/rescuer type who burns themselves out? What kinds of outcomes did this produce?
If you are seeking someone who reciprocates, it’s time to change your inner dialogue, heal your heart from feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, and practice the virtue of patience. Your entire strategy will need to change if you are interested in manifesting a healthy, long-term committed partnership versus a series of unsatisfying short-term relationships.
To learn more about the author and hypnosis: About & Contact – Sensorium Hypnosis, LLC
Healing Past Trauma to Address Current Problems: Childhood Trauma – Sensorium Hypnosis, LLC